Living with Crohn’s :: The Bionic Bumhole

Living with Crohn’s :: The Bionic Bumhole

Cathartic TMI ::: & #MyFinalPoop

Intro & waffle

Hello Blog; Long time, no speak.

On the 21st of April, I’m going to have an Ileostomy. I have lived with a Narrowing Large Bowel for about 9 months now, and it’s time to say goodbye to that abusive relationship I have with Pooping.

So I have just about a month left until they completely remove my Large Bowel. “So long, bad riddance to good rubbish; L8erz Suckaz”.


IMG_1724So the night before, I have a dinner, I think i’ll get in some Sushi. A big sushi of all the pieces I like. I’ll then have a shower the night before with special wipes, then go to sleep. The morning of the operation, I have to be at the Royal Free at 7am. It can take about an hour to get there, and I need another shower with those same wipes that morning too, so I probably have to get up at 5ish.

When I go, i’ll have a suitcase with my bits’n’bobs I need, a bit of Entertainment (but no Martina Cole; see later)… it’s important to have your comforts whilst in the ‘pital, i’ll take with my pillow, a dressing gown, nice comfy clothes; and all of that.

I then imagine I go in, wait around for a bit, meet Mr O (my surgen). I’ll then get on the table, lay down, count down from 5, and then wake up a few hours later sans-bumhole.

So, what exactly is a Large Bowel & what does this mean?

The Large Bowel is a dustbin of the body; a waste disposal site. It extracts some final nutriments out of your dinner, along with some water. It then parses through to the other end, where one would normally dispose of it in a toilet.

With me, I have Narrowings along the top and bottom. It’s the third time this has happened, and it’s bound to happen again. So rather go through this palarva in 8-9 years again (where i’ll be a bit older; and so will Ma’, who helps look after me), let’s get it all over and done with… rip that sucker out. What they then do is, I gather, soe up my bum, so my guts don’t fall out.

Your Large Bowel is normally attached to the Small Bowel, so with me, they’ll just stick the ending of the small bowel out the side of my torso. And henceforth, I shall be a Ken Doll with a Bionic Bumhole.

The Bag Itself

12901158_10156626484415627_1012807119803454531_oIt’s weird, but there is a lot to consider. For starters, as one goes from laying, to sitting, to standing – their body folds in different ways. If my Bionic Bumhole is in the middle of a fold, then the bag won’t attach as easy.

They gave me a practice one, that is about 2-3″ across, and sticks out about an inch. It helps me get my head around it, and get used to it. They said that I won’t leave the hospital until I’m all-good at using it, and that there’s a stoma nurse literally around the corner to where I live; who’ll help.

One of the biggest advantages I think i’ll feel, is that sans bumhole, i’ll have no ‘urge’ to ever go again. That’s one of my bugs with Crohns; The Urge. I might not need to go, in fact, odds are I don’t – but that urge apparently goes away. According to the little guide, I won’t have Phantom Poops, which’ll be good too – so no edits for Lloyd Webber.

You change your bag every few days, it’s up to you, but that’s how often most people do it. So because there shouldn’t be a need to do this out’n’about (although I’ll always cary spares on me; but if I don’t, i’ll nip to Tesco and get a 5p bag; this could work out expensive). Disposal of the bag is the same as Women’s Sanatary products. One of ‘the things’ is, most bloke’s loos don’t have little bins in, but I think the disabled people bins do – so i’ll use them in that situation. You just kind of unattach yourself, put your old bag in a bigger bag; and bin it. Those little red doggy-doo bins you see in parks, might be perfect.

For getting new bags, there’s a service I can call, and they’ll send them ’round. They even cut it out for you (bags need to be cut, because differnet people’s Stoma’s are different sizes). I can also get them from Phamacies, and I get free prescrptions, so that’s OK.

Things to Consider

Thank goodness though is smells don’t leak. I was quite self-concious about that. When I asked if I should carry around a tin of Lynx Africa on me, she said “Would you do that normally?”, and although I do, my Stoma Nurse (the awesome Antonella) said that it shouldn’t make a difference. It should smell normally when I go to empty it, but smells don’t really leak.

I imagine without needing to poop, i’ll never have to “Read the back of a shampoo bottle” books again. My Kindle Library, which is quite extensive, will not have to grow just as much. I won’t need extra long Gameboy Batteries. I hope I find another place to read, because I really want to know what happens to everyone on the Gaming of Throwns.

Screenshot 2016-03-27 17.22.09They say that I’ll be able to eat even more than what I currently eat. TBH, I don’t limit my diet much at all, but they say people are better – with one exception; sweetcorn. It doens’t break down like normal food. So I’d imagine going to the pictures will be a bit different. It’ll be amazing in the respect that I can now go without thinking about dropping off half way through; but I should avoid Popcorn. So for this, i’m going to go to the amazing Joe and Steph’s Popcorn and buy a few bags – savoury though, because of the die-of-beaties; and have a popcorn feast before the big day.

I also, and this is strange (for me; if it’s your cup of tea, good luck to you), i’ve never done it before (the lady doth protest), but i’ll never be able to (u-humm, you know); the bedroom activity; with it. I’ve never done that before, but I always want what I can’t have. I would be tempted to try it, but if I do and it turns out I like it, then i’ll be gutted. Is it “best to love once; than never love at all”?

I’ll also be quite thursty, as my facility to absorb water is reduced; so i’ll have to drink a lot.

If I go on holiday, i’ll always pack an extra week or soo’s worth of my Bionic Bumhole Kit ™, incase there is a civil unrest or uprising. I do that with my tablets anyway, so that isn’t a big deal.

How my life will change.

I’ll be able to poop on my own time. It’ll be great to be able to just simply wake up, empty the bag, and then get on with the day as one does. Currently I have to spend 2-3 hours most of my mornings, normally in pain, around the throne room. I can’t imagine that very well, i’ve never been able to really leave the house first thing.

Sometimes, some mornings, my, ahum doesn’t quite go through, even worst than usual. It can even last a few days, with only pathetic amounts of ahum going through. This happens at least a few times a month, and every time, I get a massive panic attack for 2-3 days, that i’ll end up in hospital and doing all this through an emergency situation. That’s what happened the last two times, so it’s not really a totally irrational thought. I won’t have to do that again.

I’ve got a bit of a buisness idea, that’ll let me work near my home, or even from home. This’ll allow for me to finally get a dog; and that is literally me Living The Dream. I could be a bit like Nigella Lawson, going to cafes with my laptop and dog, with a slice of something naughty & a bottle of fizzy water.


12472701_10156691883575313_1498369343897902811_n I have one thing on my bucket list that’s pre-op. I’m not sure if it’s possible, but someone posted on a Facebook Group Shit London a photo of the toilet on top of the Shard. I really want to use it in my last few days. Just the once. It’s not practical for it to be my final poop, but around the end. I’d love to do it. I know it’s not practical, in the respect that I can’t “save it up” or anything like that, and even if I could, I wouldn’t make the journey. It’s just, i’d like to attempt it.

And I guess this a kind of Wunderlust, only in the city I live in.

I think i’d also want a go in the public convinance in Hampstead Heath; which is really posh. Oh oh oh, and Harrods too. Ok, this might be a bit much.


[Edit] OK, sorry Large Bowel – You’re not a Dustbin, but you’re still outta here..

After talking to a friend of mine, who’ll we’ll call Dr. Awesome, who is a real proper GP – not an “Internet Dr”; and is totally awesome. She wants me to point out that the Large Bowel, when it plays it’s game fairly, is actually pretty cool. I do agree, but mine has been sending me all kinds of mixed messages about it’s feelings for way too long – and I’m just going to have to part ways with it.


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